I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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