I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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