My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
