She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
