Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
