if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
