can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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