my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
