I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
