When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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