It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
