Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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