the condom got lost in my hair
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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