What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
