But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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