so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
