I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
