even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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