She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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