I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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