I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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