Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
