have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
