paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
a search helicopter?!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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