I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
