Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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