But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
