Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
