You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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