News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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