1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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