I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
