i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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