I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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