I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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