I'm so fucking centered right now
She is in my trunk
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
