her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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