Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
