Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
