marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
