i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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