so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
In other news, I just burned my penis
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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