I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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