Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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