So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
