I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
