my phone needs a breathalizer
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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