and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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