You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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