can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
